| probably last post ever |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|02:12 am] |
life is where i want it to be
lets recap from where i last left off on my lj....
im going to school in the city now
im finally getting a degree in something that i love (fashion)
i love my boyfriend alot, and im so happy it's summer
i get to see him everyday! :) even if its only for a couple hours because of my summer classes
i love all of my friends, i think dorming next semester won't be as lonely.
im pretty fuckin happy. the happiest i can remember actually.
but theres just been one huge problem.
ive completely lost control.
this sounds ridiculous to most people, but ive gained almost 10 lbs in the last 4 months
I cannot deal with being 120 lbs, i need to be 110 (AT THE MOST) again. but its my fault.
i cant stop from eating. i dont know why.
i try to go to the gym, but i only end up going like twice a week because im lazy and want to hang out with my friends :(
i just dont know why i have no will power.... when all i want in the world is to feel pretty.
i feel disgusting. eating isnt fun at all for me. its become some sort of OCD torture for me.
last summer i was so strong.
i ran 6 days a week. about 3 miles a day. i lost almost 30 lbs in a little over 2 months! :)
then i lost 7 more this fall.... just by eating as little as possible (without fainting) and hitting the elliptical 4-5 times a week.
what the fuck happened to me?
but besides that, theres another significant problem....
i really need a job, my family's in major debt and i havent worked since january.
i probably applied to about 10 places in the city and gave up.
but i applied to atleast 20 places since ive been home and the 2 interviews i landed turned to shit.
im running out of my savings account and noooooo one will hire me.
i will keep trying though, it's all i can do really.
but time is running out, and it's so hard to go to school full time and work in manhattan.
i was really hoping i could work this summer..... :(
I'm too old for you livejournal.
I've had this ONE livejournal since i was 14/15 years old.
I have all of my high school relationships, concerts, heartbreaks,parties, vacations in this journal.
I'll never delete it. but i know next to no one reads this.
Looking back at days I never would have remembered if it wasnt for this journal, it's just incredible.
I've changed so much.
Now i'll be 21 next month.
lots and lots of memories in this lj.
it's been good.
<3 |
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| christmas list |
[Dec. 4th, 2008|04:40 pm] |
new battery for my macbook
new powerchord for my macbook
word for mac
versace crystal noir or anything cheap that smells like it
decorations for my dorm
a telescope!!!
a gift card to sephora or mac cosmetics
XBOX 360 and gears of war2!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2008|10:07 pm] |
some things are really good
i started my costume!
i'm going to be marie antoinette, but im making it more futuristic, it's going to be sweet
but fuck employee d testing
i am too fly to ever be caught
i'm finally seeing sean daily tomorrow and i wish he would let me be his girlfriend <33
& me and paige started an all grl punk rock band! fuck yes
but then tonight, a couple of people said when they looked in my eyes they saw how good of a person i am and that i don't realize my own self worth...
i feel really uneasy about that because they might be right
i do like myself, i think i have alot of potential and hope, but i deffinitely deserve more than what i get, and that totally sucks..
did i put myself here?
am i showing that i am not worth it if i let myself be disrespected?
or do i just let things slide because of love?
some people don't feel alone, because they know that whatever happens god always loves them
i wish there was a god, but that doesn't mean god exists
my astronomy proffesor teaches the creation of the universe and the earth totally differently
who's to say he's wrong? who's to say buddhism is wrong? or any religion?
how can anyone be so sure? that must be a really great feeling to have..
i dont see proof in anything, i dont know if anything happens for a reason,
good people who have faith are living in poverty and dying in epidemics everyday.
why the hell should anyone thank and worship god?
i liked it better when i didn't have questions or feel like i've been missing out.
shit |
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| don't touch me |
[Sep. 22nd, 2008|06:12 pm] |
Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder, often precipitated by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no easy means of escape. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia may avoid public and/or unfamiliar places. In severe cases, the sufferer may become confined to their home, experiencing difficulty traveling from this "safe place."
Panic attacks are sudden, discrete periods of intense anxiety, mounting physiological arousal, fear, stomach problems and discomfort that are associated with a variety of somatic and cognitive symptoms.[1] The onset of these episodes is typically abrupt, and may have no obvious triggers. Although these episodes may appear random, they are a subset of an evolutionary response commonly referred to as fight or flight that occur out of context. This response floods the body with hormones, particularly epinephrine (adrenaline), that aid in defending itself from harm.[2] Experiencing a panic attack is said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a chronic anxiety disorder most commonly characterized by obsessive, distressing, intrusive thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or "rituals") which attempt to neutralize the obsessions. OCD is distinguished from other types of anxiety, including the routine tension and stress that appear throughout life. The phrase "obsessive-compulsive" has become part of the English lexicon, and is often used in an informal or caricatured manner to describe someone who is meticulous, perfectionistic, absorbed in a cause, or otherwise fixated on something or someone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2008|01:20 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | glassjaw- when one eight becomes two zeros | ] |
i`m about ready to fly |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 3rd, 2008|11:46 am] |
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i wish the earth would stop rotating so that time could stand still. but sometimes i love how things change, and i don't think they'll ever stop. either way i'd still want to be lying next to you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2008|12:26 pm] |
i am
the loneliest good looking person in the world.
f that |
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| half way listening |
[Aug. 18th, 2008|06:10 pm] |
layed on the sandy beach with tessa today then we went bike riding, same deal tomorrow, i cant waiiiiiiit!
hm i want to quit my job and feel a little liberated. i don't want to mix up my words when i talk to anyone, anymore. i want to kiss a boy.
time is an illusion. august reminds me of september which reminds me of october which is soon which reminds me of fall then winter. then snuggle bunnies and dressing in layers and holding someone that means the world to you. i want to spend all my time with you, you fucking heart throb.
what new mistery is this? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2008|10:48 pm] |
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today/ tonight hurt. |
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